Penelope

I know, I haven't posted in a while, but I have a good excuse. I'm 7 weeks pregnant and my new hobby is vomiting. I have to say that I'm not sure if the pregnancy is good for my writing or not. Upon first glance, it's horrible for my writing. I'm tired and nauseous all the time. Staring at a computer screen is painful. (Smells, sights, sound, touch makes me nauseated. Heck, it's like having a permanent migraine for 12 weeks.) Being creative, witty, and charming is the last thing on my agenda, and well, if I could write, what would I write about?.... nope... nothing comes to mind, except when I met someone yesterday and they lost all their baby weight in 4 months by diet and exercise. I would much rather they lie to me and say, "Oh, I breastfed it off" or "The weight just fell off me while I was chasing my toddler around." With the mention of diet and exercise, I feel guilty that yeah... I could do the diet and exercise, but I'd rather sit on the couch and have my toddler fetch her mama a Twinkie. 

But I digress. 

So, there are so many reasons why this pregnancy is bad for my writing, but here's how it benefits me. If you couldn't tell before, I was a little neurotic about the query letters, edits, word counts, ect. Every rejected query letter seemed very personal and I started to doubt myself as a person. Something had to give. It was as if with each rejected query letter, a bit of my soul was torn away. 

But now, I have something else to concentrate on. Writing's nice, but it's not my priority now. My family is. Now, I have a finite amount of awake and active time. I could spend it querying new agents or working on another edit, but to tell you the truth, I would rather do tickle wars with my little girl of cuddle with my husband on the couch. 

I've been thinking a lot. I still don't know how I'm doing writing wise. I don't know if I'm creative, talented enough, or hungry enough to get published, and before, I felt like I had to immediately know the answer. But now, with this pregnancy, it released me from the mental strife.... and sent me into a gastrointestinal one. 

The Dark Night

If you couldn't tell from my blog, I'm having a hard time deciding whether this writing thing is for me. I got another rejected query today, but it was a very nice personalized query. Thank you very much Agent X. It was a very nice thing to do. But at the same time, I have to wonder if I'm wasting my time.

But then I did something today. I broke out my novel Impact, and I'm re-reading it. It's been a couple months since I've actually read it for enjoyment, and I have to say, I'm entertained. I still love my characters. I'm still shocked that I wrote something that deep or could relate to my characters so well. (I know, I wrote it, I should be able to relate to it.)

So, maybe I don't like the writing process. I know I HATE the publishing process. (Don't get me wrong. Even though I hate it, I know it's a necessary evil. I can't imagine a better system out there to ensure only the quality books get published.) But, I love a good story, and I think that's what I can offer. Maybe that's enough to get me through this dark night.

The Promised Land

Now that I've been spending my free time trying to get published, I feeling sympathy for figures that I never thought I would. Andy and I are on a grand mission to read the bible cover to cover. We both scoffed at the Israelites who, time after time, turned against God on their exodus from Egypt. 

Seriously, Andy and I were like, "Come on, you got your signs from God. He saved you so many times. What more do you want? Why do you keep on doubting and turn away?"

And at times I feel that way about writing. I'm one of the un-savory Israelites. Instead of being happy, overjoyed with what I have, I keep on saying, "I'm not at the promised land yet. I thought you said you were going there. How much further? Aww man, we should have stayed in Egypt." 

I can't think of how many times I wished I didn't start writing because it made things too complex, and I was happy, or at least content without the self doubt. Or, people keep on telling me that I will get published, but it just seems like it's so far away. At times I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly trying to get published, but not knowing how to get there. 

At least the Israelites had a message from God saying, "Yes, you my chosen people, will get there." I have no such guarantee. So, as I stare at my kitchen that is in dire need of a good cleaning, and my baby, who is in dire need of a good cleaning, I'm wondering if I'm on the right track. Do I head back to Egypt or keep on wandering aimlessly around the desert? If you have an answer, let me know. Thanks. 

Wov, true wov.

I finished it. It is all written, and I love this book. People who read it also enjoy the book. (I can't say they love it because only 2/3 said they did.) The major difference between this book and my first is I'm not all hyped on sending it out to agents. Actually, I'm afraid to do so.

Sure, it needs editing and re-writes, but right now, this is one of my prides and joys. It's shiny, happy, and everything I think a book should be. But, at the same time, I don't want to fall out of love with it like what I did with Impact.

I know. I'm being silly. It's like going on a couple dates, thinking you found Mr. Right and then walking away. True love survives the trials of life and there's nothing more painful than querying. I know it's something that has to happen, but I'm enjoying this high while I can because it's so easy now to lose that lovin' feeling.

Congrats to me

Today I just found out that my book Impact, made it to the semi-finals of the 2009 amazon.com Breakout Novel Contest. I'm competing with thousands of entries and published authors. I now am in the top 100, and even though I am excited about all of it, nothing can compete with my joy I have for my new book.

Maybe it's because I've read Impact until all the 20,000 cows came home, but there's something intriguing about Confessions of a Non-Blogger that keeps me laughing. The excitement won't die down. I still have TONS of editing to do. I have a former lawyer looking over it and she's pointing out all the areas where other lawyers would roll their eyes and say "Yeah, like that would ever happen," but I think this new book has so much potential.

I hope that it is just the newness that has me going. I loved the story Impact. One day, if and when it ever gets published, I hope you do too.

Thanks for all the support everyone. I truly mean it.

The Road Traveled

I know, I'm misquoting Robert Frost, but today I'm going to be talking about a heavily traveled road. It is the path to publication. I've thought about it a lot. I discussed it with close friends. And the more I learn about it, the more I think I must be a masochist.

Seriously,I am working hard, pushing myself to grab hold of the brass ring. I want to have a literary agent and be published. I want to see my novels in the bookstores, and to most people, they think this is where the curtains fall and the hero/heroine steps into the sunset. They are dead wrong. The more I hear about life after publication, I wonder if this is really want I want to do as my "hobby". It's heartbreaking, emotionally draining, demoralizing. Heck, I would have more fun as a crack addict. At least there are more highs... but yet I still want to wander down this road. I want to push myself that hard. As bad as it sounds, at this moment, I'm willing to risk the heartache if it brings me one step closer to the limelight.

So, please raise a glass with me if you also one of the miserable and insane. Here's to our hopes, our fears, and our demoralizing, arduous journey.

Labor of Love

I am quite blessed in my life. I have a baby who is like the best baby around. (I know a lot of parents say that, but I have other people tell me that my baby is the best one around.) And while my baby takes 2 hour naps and watches all the Elmo DVDs she can, she lets her mommy finish her book. 

Today I finished my third book and I have to say, this is a better feeling than the first. I love the quirkiness. I love my characters, and I think it comes together well. But like all labor of loves, this is just the infancy. There's so much to come. 

And just like my little girl, I think that this must have been from God. I'm not to say that this book is so perfect it's going to make you cry, but it's amazing that I wrote this. It's amazing that I can make someone laugh out loud or cry with just words written on a page. That's what I find miraculous. And to me, if I can move my readers, that's the highest achievement I could ever obtain. 

Support for Writers

I think I have an idea for my next book. This time it's going to be a non-fiction.. I came up with the idea from a comment my husband made. He said I don't listen to his advice, but I take other's writer's advice to heart even though it's the same concept. So....

For him, I'm going to write a book of things he should say when I make comments about writing. for example. 

1. Honey, I'm a fraud.

Awww Sweetie, you're talented. You have a great gift, and you don't see it because your magic surrounds you every day. I have faith in you.

2. I'm never going to get published.

That's not true, and you know it. The road to publishing is tough, but if you persevere, it will make it all worth it. (Note: there is no falling off the horse analogy. Unless tequila is involved, there's no reason to mention falling off a horse.) 

3. Why did I ever get into writing?

You got into writing because you love to write, not to get published. You have great ideas. You love it when a scene comes together. I see the pride you have in your work. You write because you love to do so. 

4. I don't know if have what it takes to make it. 

see answer 2.

I'm sure if I write this book, my husband and support systems all around the world will thank me. 

The Vent

This blog has very little to do with writing, but much to do with complaining. So let me slap on my complaining cap and get to work. We're going to be talking about what people did to annoy me. Normally, it takes a lot for me to get annoyed. But today it seemed like I was the annoying person magnet. If you were annoying, you came to see me. It's bad when you know you only see a patient for about fifteen minutes, and I'm already counting down the minutes after the first three.

Top things that annoy Aspiring Girl.
1. Don't demand an antibiotic for your daughter for allergy symptoms. Sure, your medications didn't work, but if she's not sick, if she's not feeling sick, if she denies even being around sick people, I don't think the antibiotics will work. On top of that, you used the wrong medication. You would never ask a hammer to saw through a piece of wood and then declare the hammer defective.

2. I don't know why this bugs me, but I hate it when patient's quiz me. It's not even things that they came in for. It's like little things that you would expect Dr. House to know. "I have a greenfield filter. Do you know what it is?" This may be me getting defensive. And luckily I knew, but at the same time, what's the point? Are you testing me to find out whether I'm worthy to diagnose your _____.

3. I'm in the health care industry. I've been trained to take care of the body. Don't ask me if I took a marketing class. Do I have "Family Nurse Practitioner/Marketing Extraordinaire" behind my name. I've been pretty easy going with the marketing. I've been doing the things the company asked me to do with minimal complaint, but don't condescendingly ask me if I've taken a marketing training. I feel insulted.

Writing wise. I now hit 60k words and 200 pages on my newst book. It's great because I'm almost at the end, but bad because I'm now feeling the pressure to make it as quirky and as entertaining as the beginning. And you can ask my husband, I normally choke when put on the spot.

Potpourri

My husband made a comment to me yesterday. He wondered why I listen to the encouragement other writers give while he says the exact same thing and it means nothing. (It means something, but I don't get the whole "aha" revelation that I do with the writers.) 

I think it's because he doesn't say things point blank, spell it out, or high light it in neon letters. Or if he does say it, he says it in passing. If you could tell, I put all the blame on him when in all reality, it is probably a combo of him and me. 

I am so thankful for my fellow writers I know. They keep me sane. They encourage me, and they help critique my stories so they end up stronger. Kudos to them. 

I'm so close to finishing this book, I can taste it. But.. I'm afraid that I got side tracked by someone else's book, that I no longer want to write my own. 

I'm going to take a break from writing after this book. There will be plenty of editing, pitching, and so forth, but for now, I need a little break. (I'll probably be like my husband where the month break will turn into two weeks, and then all of a sudden I'm hit with inspiration and need to get it all down on paper.) 

Agent for a day

I was going to write about something else, but I just read Nathan Bransford blog and it totally caught my eye. For those who don't follow it, he's offering a challenge. Because there's so much criticism of Literary Agents now, he's offering the writers an opportunity to be an agent for a day. Basically, he will randomly send out 50 query letters, and as an agent you have to decide which ones to accept and which ones to reject, drafting your own letters. You can only acept 5 manuscripts out of the fifty.

Pretty neat idea. That's one way of walking in someone's shoes, but I don't think it does it justice. I think literary agents do a lot more than just sift through 50 emails. There's more of an emotional drain to the job.

I have a lot of respect for agents. I don't envy them at all. It's hard to close a door on someone's dream, and there are some agents who could do it with more finesse.

I'm thinking of taking up this challenge to see how I will do... if I can get this scene down first.

writing is making me mental

See today's title. Enough said.

no response means no

I was reading something on #agentfail on bookends, which is the writer's response to #queryfail, and as valid as some of the point were, there was something that I took to heart. I really don't like the "no response means no" that some literary agents take. One literary agent made the point that if you send off cover letters and resumes you don't expecting responses from the companies. 

But this is where I beg to differ. Maybe it's because I'm in the healthcare industry that I make this analogy but I think it's completely true. If you have blood tests done or any medical tests done, don't you expect your doctor to let you know if they are normal? I think that this is a much better analogy because when we write and send off queries, we are sending off our babies. We are exposing our pride and joys to strangers, and we want to know if there's going to be a marriage out of it. 

And when agents say that it's not what they love, I totally respect that. The agent has to sell it, and if they don't love the novel, they aren't going to do it justice. Would you recommend a book to someone that you only had luke warm feelings? No, so don't expect the agents to do that either. 

In every industry you're going to have the good and bad professionals. The hard part is finding the right ones for you. I tell people all the time, querying is like speed dating. It's hard to find that right one person for you in five minutes, but you hope you sparked enough interest for a second date. 

The Climb

Andy knows that when he hears Miley Cyrus's song, "The Climb", I've had a rejection, I'm feeling down, I'm doubting myself, or all of the above. Lately, it has been on repeat. I'm lucky though. Not only do I have a theme song for my publishing pursuits that keep me going, I have an awesome supporting family and friends who help me along the way. They give me encouragement, re-focus me, and well, they listen to me complain. 

And then there's my Faith. I can't ignore that. I was just running on the treadmill today totally berating myself, and it was as if God slapped me on the head and said, "What are you complaining about? Things are great?" And it's true.  

And lastly, I have my characters I created. I take console in what they went through. Sure, I'm not being stalked by a shape-shifting sociopath, but like Katie, I need to stay in the moment and not get caught up in the what-ifs. And like Jenna in my book, Impact, I do have the strength and power in me this whole time. It's a matter of developing the talent. 

So even though I'm being bombarded with negativity, I  love the fact that inspiration is all around me, and I hope it is that way with you too.

crap or not crap? That is the question

Jane wrote a scene. The scene had action, suspence, and a quirky hint of a love interest. What more can a reader want? And then, two days later she re-reads it and her excitement disappears. In its place, she feels dread and horror (apparently as much as the main character did in the already written scene).

Does that ever happen to you? What you thought was perfect is now jumpy, inconclusive, and well... crap?

If so, I would like to introduce you to the crap trolls. They live in your computer and re-write your scenes when you're not looking. The longer you stay away, the busier they are. They are often confused for the type-o worms and the punctuation eating ponies, but let's put blame where it belongs.

Every computer has a small population of these writing nemesis. My computer seems to have an over run with them. If anyone knows how to get rid of them, please let me know.

The Block

Did you realize that all major catastrophes are called one name. For instance, you have the holocaust, the plague, and 9-11. I would like to add one more for the writers. It's worse than the rejections, in my mind. It's the block. 

It's sitting at the computer or where ever you write and knowing the scene that must be written. You even know the scene that comes after it, but you can't move on until the scene is down on paper, so to speak... but inspiration doesn't come to you. Just just sit and watch the cursor waiting for the scene to unfold or the characters to speak to you. Little did you know your characters and brain are on siesta.

That's where I am right now. I'm on chapter 11 with 32k words behind me. We are well on our way, but the words just won't come. 

I now rely on my only hope, caffeine. For those who aren't acquainted with Vietnamese coffee's, it usually does the trick. It's like the coffee bean mainlined into your veins. But for those of us who are out in the boonies, it looks like option two. Diet coke and a 4 mile run. Hopefully by the end of the day, the scene will be done. Otherwise, it's another 4 mile run tomorrow.

I'm writing this story and at first I wondered how in the world am I going to get atleast 60k words out of it. I'm at 20k words now (not bad for starting a little more than a week ago). I thought was at least 1/3 of the way through. Instead of putzing my way through another chapter, I decided to do a diagram of the story. It helps me focus on the upcoming events, conflicts, characters, ect...I soon realized though that I'm actually probably about 1/5 of the way done.

Yea me. Lots more to write about. Lots of creative possibilities!

Boo me because I'm stuck on this scene and I'm blanking on how to move the story along. Plus there's the timing and the flow. There's lots of conflict. I love conflict, but a part of me wonders if I really stepped in it this time. Oh well, atleast it takes my mind off queries and contests.

I do have to say this. I can't wait to see the finished project!

Get Right

I'm stuck. I'm now writing about an emotional moment in the book, and I don't feel like I have it just right. It could be because I'm at work and sick people keep on coming up to me expecting to be seen, but I think is that the mojo isn't there.

Normally I would go on and return to it later, but I can't. It's like the thorn in my side and the pebble in my shoe. It has to be written. It demands to be perfect. I need to give this little girl justice and her moment. I want people to be so moved they cry just as I cried when I wrote it, but I'm just not feeling it now.

So, I'm wondering do I try to move on, do I try to fix it, or do I give it a day to simmer. I like the simmering idea. Maybe the stroke of genius will hit me tomorrow because it aint' here today.

never in the in crowd

I hear all the time that if you want to be a writer, you need to network. You need to be in groups. You need to get to know people, and I have and I tried, but somehow I feel transported back in the times of high school. 

I wonder if I will ever outgrow the notion of cliques. You have the "rock stars". They are the people that can do no wrong. They are cool. They have achieved, and you admire them for their talent and their spunk. You have the brainiacs who are your best editors and critique partners you can think of. You have your cliques of people that are just like a tight family, and no matter how lovely and inviting you are, you know you're still a stranger. The foundation hasn't been built. 

And then there are the blogs. I love reading the blogs, but at the same time, every time I want to comment, someone else just discussed the same topic, or it sounds superficial, or worse. I have grammatical errors and type-o's on someone's blog... someone I truly admire. 

But just like high school, I wonder if anyone truly feels like they belong. My solution is to go with the flow. I'll do my thing. I'll meet new people. I get to know them, and admire them. There's always something to learn and appreciate in other's. Someday I will have my group. Whether I turn out to be a rockstar or a braniac, I just want to be happy doing the things I love. 

Oh... and I took a wise friend's advice. I stopped checking my ranking on the contest site. It was driving me crazy and mental health is worth so much more than a contest. I'm going to let the writing speak for itself because when it boils down to it, that's all that matters. 

Perspective

For the past 5 days, I have been held hostage by amazon.com. I am constantly checking every hour my latest ranking. The highest I have been is number 3, and this morning I really was feeling the strain. 

It may be because Andy's been out of town, and he is my sounding block and my rock. But really, how bad is it when I ignore my little girl tugging at my pants just to see the latest score?

I made the right choice this morning. I walked away from the computer. Put away the iPhone and played with the little girl. Sure, she did nothing but repeatedly throw a blanket over my head, but to her, it was Disney Land, and my heart soared when I heard her laughing. 

All of it gave me perspective. As great as it would be to get to the semi-finals, it' s not my life. As great as it would be to say I was in the top 100, and it would be a great achievement, I have to remember what I've accomplished so far is fantastic. The fact that I have such a great friend network is amazing, and really... I've done my part. I am networking the best I can, but the rest is in God's hands. 

I'm still neurotic about this, but I will try to put away the computer when ever the little girl wants to play.

The numbers are....

I have successfully sat down to the computer at least ten times to successfully not have touched my story at all today. No, I take it back. I had a total of 10 minutes of editing, but still didn't add to the story. 

In the mean time I've spend my time watching my ranking in the amazon.com contests go from 34 to 39 to 15 to 5 to 6 to 9. It's been so so so stressful, and I have been shameless in the marketing. I'm now to the point of talking to the teenage girls in my neighborhood to see if they can download it and then passing it along to their friends. 

It's so true when the literary agents say the publishing is a business. There's so much marketing involved and without a major publishing house marketing department, I'm running out of people to hit up to read this book. So... if you want to read a good 16 pages, go to my amazon.com contest entry. Heck, share with a friend! 

Thanks a bunch for everything! You guys are the best. 

Oooo the Suspense!

You know how yesterday I was lamenting on how the ticker tape parade passed me by? Well God has some sense of humor because not more than 2 minutes after I hit "Publish Post" did I realize that I advanced in the Amazon.com Breakthrough Novel contests. So out of thousands of entries (the max as 10,000) I am currently in the top 500.

So woohoo! Throw the confetti, drink the champagne. Have a grand o' time... but now... the anxiety sets in. Not only does amazon.com have a link to my page.... it tells the download ranking.. OH NO! In the past two hours I have seen my rank fall from 32 to a whopping 39!

I may have to start on Xanax watching the ranking go up and down. I now know why so many authors take to the booze and pills. This "hobby" will eat me up, grind me flat, spit me out, and then do it all over again. All of this is worth it, right?

You know... I had a hard time trying to figure out what to write about today.. hence the last short entry, but I have a topic now...

I can only recall one time I have ever been jealous. That was when I gave birth to my baby, and while all the other mothers on the floor had their babies in their rooms, mine was two floors below in the NICU. I know the bitter meanness of jealousy, but what I'm feeling now isn't that. I'm feeling heartache.

I keep on hearing about other people's successes writing, and I wish them all the best. They deserve it. They worked hard, created something amazing, and didn't take no for an answer. Their victory had nothing to do with luck. They are amazing people with incredible talents. 

And so here I am watching the ticker parade go by with no victories or successes of my own. I have to wonder if that will ever happen to me. Am I creative enough, dedicated enough, bull headed enough to persevere. 

I can live with a lot. I can understand that some people won't enjoy what I write. But what scares me the most right now is what if I'm not talented enough? How will you ever know when to throw in the towel?

Characters

5 days, and I haven't heard back on any of my queries, but I'm okay with that. There's nothing that calms anxiety like starting a new project. It's full of hope. Plus, right now I'm too busy thinking of plot, characters, and setting, along with work, dinner, cleaning my house, and playing with my daughter, that the anxiety is put away. I'm sure it will come out another day. 

Do you ever with you could undo something you already did? I sometimes think that about the whole writing process. Before I started writing, I was normal. I was happy. I read books that made me happy. 

Then one day, I ran out of good books to read. I decided to write a story that I would love. So I did... I even wrote it's sequel. 

And now I am filled with doubt, alienation, and neurosis. I miss the girl I was before. The answer would be simple, right? You stop writing. I tried that.... but it's the same feeling after a break up. You miss the little things that drove you crazy before. I miss meeting these characters and hearing their quirky comments. For everyone else, when the voices stop talking to you, it's a good thing. For a writer it's the kiss of death. 

Moral of the story: I need to remember why I started to write... I started because I wanted stories that I would love to read over and over. Hopefully some day, I will be able to entertain you too.

The writing reality

I think it's funny how on my posts I sound normal, confident, and balanced. It's the"Hey neighbor! You caught me at a good time. I just cleaned the house, finished baking cookies, and put on a nice pot of coffee. Would you like to join me?" voice. 

The reality is, I just got the biggest heebie geebies just thinking about the queries I sent off (second guessing myself if I spelled everything correctly, including their names), worrying if my query is in the black hole of the slush pile, and wondering if I really have what it takes (the thickest, titanium of skin) to last this whole query process. 

Calm Aspiring Girl has left the building. Paxil needing neurotic girl has now entered. I should wear a sign to my family. "Be Ware of Writer".

The Merry Go Round

What does it mean when I'd rather get distant, impersonal rejections than start a new novel? It means I'm a sadist who should really think about switching hobbies. Today I sent off more queries in avoidance of starting a new novel. 

I've been thinking about this novel for a while. I thought about it yesterday, but no opening paragraph would come to mind. To tell you the truth I didn't think it would happen today, but while emailing one of my new critique buddies it happened. The heavens opened up. The angels sang. The perfect words and great hook flowed into my computer screen, but that's as far as it went... one paragraph... and then the rest went blank. 

I had to stop because what do I know about these people in the story? What traits are they going to have to make you like them, hate them, relate to them, and cheer for them? Nothing. They are strangers. I don't even know their names. 

But on top of that, do I really want to go through this again? I ignored my family when I wrote. My baby girl learned to bribe her mommy to get me away from the computer. My husband probably thought I was bipolar because of my mood swings. I was seriously, jovially, illegal- drug happy when the writing went well. I was droopy-dog depressed when a scene didn't come together. 

And for as much as I want to walk away, the smarter side of me tells me to run away, I can't. I sit at the computer, watching the cursor blink impatiently at me, waiting for me to entertain it, and I can only hope I am able to fulfill the expectations.

Here we go again. Wish me the best of luck. 

Getting through the day

Total queries sent: 18

Total Rejections: 8

Partials Requested: 2

I really debated whether I should post this topic. For one thing, I feel like it has become taboo when really it shouldn't be. Also, I don't want to offend anyone. Just because I think this way doesn't mean that you need to or that I expect you to. My husband pointed out, though, that this my spot, and what I'm going to talk about is a major reason why I don't get discouraged, and it is a big portion of who I am.

I'm going to talk about my Faith. It's amazing how fast religion has become the topic not to discuss because of the fear of oppressing other's beliefs or imposing on other's religious freedoms (or lack there of). You can't pray at school, government buildings, or sports events, which to me is ironic because that's where I think God is needed most... especially government buildings. 

But that is a different topic. Faith is important to me because it helps me get through the rejections. It gives me hope for the next book, and most of all it keeps me sane. 

My husband will tell you, I love to read romance. It's mainly because no matter how hairy or pessimistic the book becomes, I know there will be a happy ending. Every challenge the characters beat makes the victory that much sweeter. 

But that happily-ever-after isn't guaranteed for us. So is there really a light at the end of the tunnel that makes this all worthwhile or is there more bitter, discouraging darkness? With my faith, I can honestly say, "Yes. This is all worth it." 

God has a plan for me. It may not be the plan I first wanted. It may not be on the time schedule I desired, but it is there, and I truly believe it is better ending than I could have ever imagined.

So, bring the disappointments, blank pages, and cold sweats. Bring the rejections (just kidding... not really looking forward to the rejections) because each moment is one step closer to where I want to be.  

Smell the Roses

Day two's blog doesn't have as much of an expectation to wow you with my personality as day one, but it's still there.

I feel like I'm giving you a bad impression of me. This blog is supposed to be about the stresses, trials, and tribulations of trying to get published. So on day 2, when I type I have done absolutely nothing to forward my publishing aspirations, you may think I'm already going back on my word.

But on the contrary, this is my mental health day. It's my "returning to me" day. Every single day for the past month, I have been either trying to write new queries, pitches, or scenes. I've dedicated almost every single quiet moment I've had to improving my novel, creating a new novel, or thinking about the next one. Even running, I'm listening to my character's playlist on my Nano. (Yes, I give my character's playlist to match their personality or to match the tone of a scene.) But everone needs a break. I realized I needed mine when I woke up at 3 am in a cold sweat and feel the I'm-going-to-jump-out-of-my-skin anxiety all because I haven't heard back from a literary agent.. It's not healthy.

So today is a go back to what first turned me into writing. I'm reading books I love. I'm enjoying my baby girl's company. I'm smiling at my husband.

Don't get me wrong. There's still plenty to do. There's still anxiety swirling all around me, but when the quest to be published consumes all my energies and makes me OCD about my book or literary agents, it's time to take a step back. Take a deep breath, and smell the roses. In invite you to do the same.

The first blog

I always think that the first blog is the most daunting. This is where you meet me and in one minute or less I'm suppose to catch your attention, dazzle you with my wit, and intrigue you with my in wisdom. That is all hard to do with Elmo playing in the background and a sink full of dirty dishes to distract me. 

When I look back on my life, and it hasn't been that long, I realize that I over came a lot. There was a lot of trepidation the first time I sewed someone up or delivered my first and only baby in the ERs. I didn't feel as much anxiety or fear when my own baby was delivered six weeks early or was in the NICU for several days. I would like to think it was because I was well prepared with my training, and as a nurse anticipated what was coming next and planned accordingly. 

But... with that being said, NOTHING could prepare me for the emotional roller coaster of trying to be published. So that is what this is... This is where I get to express my feelings on queries, conferences, pitches, re-writes, literary agents, and everything else in between, and I'm hoping that this will turn into a forum where other people can relate, vent, and most of all laugh. 

So, let's buckle up. It will be a bumpy ride.