crap or not crap? That is the question

Jane wrote a scene. The scene had action, suspence, and a quirky hint of a love interest. What more can a reader want? And then, two days later she re-reads it and her excitement disappears. In its place, she feels dread and horror (apparently as much as the main character did in the already written scene).

Does that ever happen to you? What you thought was perfect is now jumpy, inconclusive, and well... crap?

If so, I would like to introduce you to the crap trolls. They live in your computer and re-write your scenes when you're not looking. The longer you stay away, the busier they are. They are often confused for the type-o worms and the punctuation eating ponies, but let's put blame where it belongs.

Every computer has a small population of these writing nemesis. My computer seems to have an over run with them. If anyone knows how to get rid of them, please let me know.

The Block

Did you realize that all major catastrophes are called one name. For instance, you have the holocaust, the plague, and 9-11. I would like to add one more for the writers. It's worse than the rejections, in my mind. It's the block. 

It's sitting at the computer or where ever you write and knowing the scene that must be written. You even know the scene that comes after it, but you can't move on until the scene is down on paper, so to speak... but inspiration doesn't come to you. Just just sit and watch the cursor waiting for the scene to unfold or the characters to speak to you. Little did you know your characters and brain are on siesta.

That's where I am right now. I'm on chapter 11 with 32k words behind me. We are well on our way, but the words just won't come. 

I now rely on my only hope, caffeine. For those who aren't acquainted with Vietnamese coffee's, it usually does the trick. It's like the coffee bean mainlined into your veins. But for those of us who are out in the boonies, it looks like option two. Diet coke and a 4 mile run. Hopefully by the end of the day, the scene will be done. Otherwise, it's another 4 mile run tomorrow.

I'm writing this story and at first I wondered how in the world am I going to get atleast 60k words out of it. I'm at 20k words now (not bad for starting a little more than a week ago). I thought was at least 1/3 of the way through. Instead of putzing my way through another chapter, I decided to do a diagram of the story. It helps me focus on the upcoming events, conflicts, characters, ect...I soon realized though that I'm actually probably about 1/5 of the way done.

Yea me. Lots more to write about. Lots of creative possibilities!

Boo me because I'm stuck on this scene and I'm blanking on how to move the story along. Plus there's the timing and the flow. There's lots of conflict. I love conflict, but a part of me wonders if I really stepped in it this time. Oh well, atleast it takes my mind off queries and contests.

I do have to say this. I can't wait to see the finished project!

Get Right

I'm stuck. I'm now writing about an emotional moment in the book, and I don't feel like I have it just right. It could be because I'm at work and sick people keep on coming up to me expecting to be seen, but I think is that the mojo isn't there.

Normally I would go on and return to it later, but I can't. It's like the thorn in my side and the pebble in my shoe. It has to be written. It demands to be perfect. I need to give this little girl justice and her moment. I want people to be so moved they cry just as I cried when I wrote it, but I'm just not feeling it now.

So, I'm wondering do I try to move on, do I try to fix it, or do I give it a day to simmer. I like the simmering idea. Maybe the stroke of genius will hit me tomorrow because it aint' here today.

never in the in crowd

I hear all the time that if you want to be a writer, you need to network. You need to be in groups. You need to get to know people, and I have and I tried, but somehow I feel transported back in the times of high school. 

I wonder if I will ever outgrow the notion of cliques. You have the "rock stars". They are the people that can do no wrong. They are cool. They have achieved, and you admire them for their talent and their spunk. You have the brainiacs who are your best editors and critique partners you can think of. You have your cliques of people that are just like a tight family, and no matter how lovely and inviting you are, you know you're still a stranger. The foundation hasn't been built. 

And then there are the blogs. I love reading the blogs, but at the same time, every time I want to comment, someone else just discussed the same topic, or it sounds superficial, or worse. I have grammatical errors and type-o's on someone's blog... someone I truly admire. 

But just like high school, I wonder if anyone truly feels like they belong. My solution is to go with the flow. I'll do my thing. I'll meet new people. I get to know them, and admire them. There's always something to learn and appreciate in other's. Someday I will have my group. Whether I turn out to be a rockstar or a braniac, I just want to be happy doing the things I love. 

Oh... and I took a wise friend's advice. I stopped checking my ranking on the contest site. It was driving me crazy and mental health is worth so much more than a contest. I'm going to let the writing speak for itself because when it boils down to it, that's all that matters. 

Perspective

For the past 5 days, I have been held hostage by amazon.com. I am constantly checking every hour my latest ranking. The highest I have been is number 3, and this morning I really was feeling the strain. 

It may be because Andy's been out of town, and he is my sounding block and my rock. But really, how bad is it when I ignore my little girl tugging at my pants just to see the latest score?

I made the right choice this morning. I walked away from the computer. Put away the iPhone and played with the little girl. Sure, she did nothing but repeatedly throw a blanket over my head, but to her, it was Disney Land, and my heart soared when I heard her laughing. 

All of it gave me perspective. As great as it would be to get to the semi-finals, it' s not my life. As great as it would be to say I was in the top 100, and it would be a great achievement, I have to remember what I've accomplished so far is fantastic. The fact that I have such a great friend network is amazing, and really... I've done my part. I am networking the best I can, but the rest is in God's hands. 

I'm still neurotic about this, but I will try to put away the computer when ever the little girl wants to play.

The numbers are....

I have successfully sat down to the computer at least ten times to successfully not have touched my story at all today. No, I take it back. I had a total of 10 minutes of editing, but still didn't add to the story. 

In the mean time I've spend my time watching my ranking in the amazon.com contests go from 34 to 39 to 15 to 5 to 6 to 9. It's been so so so stressful, and I have been shameless in the marketing. I'm now to the point of talking to the teenage girls in my neighborhood to see if they can download it and then passing it along to their friends. 

It's so true when the literary agents say the publishing is a business. There's so much marketing involved and without a major publishing house marketing department, I'm running out of people to hit up to read this book. So... if you want to read a good 16 pages, go to my amazon.com contest entry. Heck, share with a friend! 

Thanks a bunch for everything! You guys are the best. 

Oooo the Suspense!

You know how yesterday I was lamenting on how the ticker tape parade passed me by? Well God has some sense of humor because not more than 2 minutes after I hit "Publish Post" did I realize that I advanced in the Amazon.com Breakthrough Novel contests. So out of thousands of entries (the max as 10,000) I am currently in the top 500.

So woohoo! Throw the confetti, drink the champagne. Have a grand o' time... but now... the anxiety sets in. Not only does amazon.com have a link to my page.... it tells the download ranking.. OH NO! In the past two hours I have seen my rank fall from 32 to a whopping 39!

I may have to start on Xanax watching the ranking go up and down. I now know why so many authors take to the booze and pills. This "hobby" will eat me up, grind me flat, spit me out, and then do it all over again. All of this is worth it, right?

You know... I had a hard time trying to figure out what to write about today.. hence the last short entry, but I have a topic now...

I can only recall one time I have ever been jealous. That was when I gave birth to my baby, and while all the other mothers on the floor had their babies in their rooms, mine was two floors below in the NICU. I know the bitter meanness of jealousy, but what I'm feeling now isn't that. I'm feeling heartache.

I keep on hearing about other people's successes writing, and I wish them all the best. They deserve it. They worked hard, created something amazing, and didn't take no for an answer. Their victory had nothing to do with luck. They are amazing people with incredible talents. 

And so here I am watching the ticker parade go by with no victories or successes of my own. I have to wonder if that will ever happen to me. Am I creative enough, dedicated enough, bull headed enough to persevere. 

I can live with a lot. I can understand that some people won't enjoy what I write. But what scares me the most right now is what if I'm not talented enough? How will you ever know when to throw in the towel?

Characters

5 days, and I haven't heard back on any of my queries, but I'm okay with that. There's nothing that calms anxiety like starting a new project. It's full of hope. Plus, right now I'm too busy thinking of plot, characters, and setting, along with work, dinner, cleaning my house, and playing with my daughter, that the anxiety is put away. I'm sure it will come out another day. 

Do you ever with you could undo something you already did? I sometimes think that about the whole writing process. Before I started writing, I was normal. I was happy. I read books that made me happy. 

Then one day, I ran out of good books to read. I decided to write a story that I would love. So I did... I even wrote it's sequel. 

And now I am filled with doubt, alienation, and neurosis. I miss the girl I was before. The answer would be simple, right? You stop writing. I tried that.... but it's the same feeling after a break up. You miss the little things that drove you crazy before. I miss meeting these characters and hearing their quirky comments. For everyone else, when the voices stop talking to you, it's a good thing. For a writer it's the kiss of death. 

Moral of the story: I need to remember why I started to write... I started because I wanted stories that I would love to read over and over. Hopefully some day, I will be able to entertain you too.

The writing reality

I think it's funny how on my posts I sound normal, confident, and balanced. It's the"Hey neighbor! You caught me at a good time. I just cleaned the house, finished baking cookies, and put on a nice pot of coffee. Would you like to join me?" voice. 

The reality is, I just got the biggest heebie geebies just thinking about the queries I sent off (second guessing myself if I spelled everything correctly, including their names), worrying if my query is in the black hole of the slush pile, and wondering if I really have what it takes (the thickest, titanium of skin) to last this whole query process. 

Calm Aspiring Girl has left the building. Paxil needing neurotic girl has now entered. I should wear a sign to my family. "Be Ware of Writer".

The Merry Go Round

What does it mean when I'd rather get distant, impersonal rejections than start a new novel? It means I'm a sadist who should really think about switching hobbies. Today I sent off more queries in avoidance of starting a new novel. 

I've been thinking about this novel for a while. I thought about it yesterday, but no opening paragraph would come to mind. To tell you the truth I didn't think it would happen today, but while emailing one of my new critique buddies it happened. The heavens opened up. The angels sang. The perfect words and great hook flowed into my computer screen, but that's as far as it went... one paragraph... and then the rest went blank. 

I had to stop because what do I know about these people in the story? What traits are they going to have to make you like them, hate them, relate to them, and cheer for them? Nothing. They are strangers. I don't even know their names. 

But on top of that, do I really want to go through this again? I ignored my family when I wrote. My baby girl learned to bribe her mommy to get me away from the computer. My husband probably thought I was bipolar because of my mood swings. I was seriously, jovially, illegal- drug happy when the writing went well. I was droopy-dog depressed when a scene didn't come together. 

And for as much as I want to walk away, the smarter side of me tells me to run away, I can't. I sit at the computer, watching the cursor blink impatiently at me, waiting for me to entertain it, and I can only hope I am able to fulfill the expectations.

Here we go again. Wish me the best of luck. 

Getting through the day

Total queries sent: 18

Total Rejections: 8

Partials Requested: 2

I really debated whether I should post this topic. For one thing, I feel like it has become taboo when really it shouldn't be. Also, I don't want to offend anyone. Just because I think this way doesn't mean that you need to or that I expect you to. My husband pointed out, though, that this my spot, and what I'm going to talk about is a major reason why I don't get discouraged, and it is a big portion of who I am.

I'm going to talk about my Faith. It's amazing how fast religion has become the topic not to discuss because of the fear of oppressing other's beliefs or imposing on other's religious freedoms (or lack there of). You can't pray at school, government buildings, or sports events, which to me is ironic because that's where I think God is needed most... especially government buildings. 

But that is a different topic. Faith is important to me because it helps me get through the rejections. It gives me hope for the next book, and most of all it keeps me sane. 

My husband will tell you, I love to read romance. It's mainly because no matter how hairy or pessimistic the book becomes, I know there will be a happy ending. Every challenge the characters beat makes the victory that much sweeter. 

But that happily-ever-after isn't guaranteed for us. So is there really a light at the end of the tunnel that makes this all worthwhile or is there more bitter, discouraging darkness? With my faith, I can honestly say, "Yes. This is all worth it." 

God has a plan for me. It may not be the plan I first wanted. It may not be on the time schedule I desired, but it is there, and I truly believe it is better ending than I could have ever imagined.

So, bring the disappointments, blank pages, and cold sweats. Bring the rejections (just kidding... not really looking forward to the rejections) because each moment is one step closer to where I want to be.  

Smell the Roses

Day two's blog doesn't have as much of an expectation to wow you with my personality as day one, but it's still there.

I feel like I'm giving you a bad impression of me. This blog is supposed to be about the stresses, trials, and tribulations of trying to get published. So on day 2, when I type I have done absolutely nothing to forward my publishing aspirations, you may think I'm already going back on my word.

But on the contrary, this is my mental health day. It's my "returning to me" day. Every single day for the past month, I have been either trying to write new queries, pitches, or scenes. I've dedicated almost every single quiet moment I've had to improving my novel, creating a new novel, or thinking about the next one. Even running, I'm listening to my character's playlist on my Nano. (Yes, I give my character's playlist to match their personality or to match the tone of a scene.) But everone needs a break. I realized I needed mine when I woke up at 3 am in a cold sweat and feel the I'm-going-to-jump-out-of-my-skin anxiety all because I haven't heard back from a literary agent.. It's not healthy.

So today is a go back to what first turned me into writing. I'm reading books I love. I'm enjoying my baby girl's company. I'm smiling at my husband.

Don't get me wrong. There's still plenty to do. There's still anxiety swirling all around me, but when the quest to be published consumes all my energies and makes me OCD about my book or literary agents, it's time to take a step back. Take a deep breath, and smell the roses. In invite you to do the same.

The first blog

I always think that the first blog is the most daunting. This is where you meet me and in one minute or less I'm suppose to catch your attention, dazzle you with my wit, and intrigue you with my in wisdom. That is all hard to do with Elmo playing in the background and a sink full of dirty dishes to distract me. 

When I look back on my life, and it hasn't been that long, I realize that I over came a lot. There was a lot of trepidation the first time I sewed someone up or delivered my first and only baby in the ERs. I didn't feel as much anxiety or fear when my own baby was delivered six weeks early or was in the NICU for several days. I would like to think it was because I was well prepared with my training, and as a nurse anticipated what was coming next and planned accordingly. 

But... with that being said, NOTHING could prepare me for the emotional roller coaster of trying to be published. So that is what this is... This is where I get to express my feelings on queries, conferences, pitches, re-writes, literary agents, and everything else in between, and I'm hoping that this will turn into a forum where other people can relate, vent, and most of all laugh. 

So, let's buckle up. It will be a bumpy ride.