Penelope

I know, I haven't posted in a while, but I have a good excuse. I'm 7 weeks pregnant and my new hobby is vomiting. I have to say that I'm not sure if the pregnancy is good for my writing or not. Upon first glance, it's horrible for my writing. I'm tired and nauseous all the time. Staring at a computer screen is painful. (Smells, sights, sound, touch makes me nauseated. Heck, it's like having a permanent migraine for 12 weeks.) Being creative, witty, and charming is the last thing on my agenda, and well, if I could write, what would I write about?.... nope... nothing comes to mind, except when I met someone yesterday and they lost all their baby weight in 4 months by diet and exercise. I would much rather they lie to me and say, "Oh, I breastfed it off" or "The weight just fell off me while I was chasing my toddler around." With the mention of diet and exercise, I feel guilty that yeah... I could do the diet and exercise, but I'd rather sit on the couch and have my toddler fetch her mama a Twinkie. 

But I digress. 

So, there are so many reasons why this pregnancy is bad for my writing, but here's how it benefits me. If you couldn't tell before, I was a little neurotic about the query letters, edits, word counts, ect. Every rejected query letter seemed very personal and I started to doubt myself as a person. Something had to give. It was as if with each rejected query letter, a bit of my soul was torn away. 

But now, I have something else to concentrate on. Writing's nice, but it's not my priority now. My family is. Now, I have a finite amount of awake and active time. I could spend it querying new agents or working on another edit, but to tell you the truth, I would rather do tickle wars with my little girl of cuddle with my husband on the couch. 

I've been thinking a lot. I still don't know how I'm doing writing wise. I don't know if I'm creative, talented enough, or hungry enough to get published, and before, I felt like I had to immediately know the answer. But now, with this pregnancy, it released me from the mental strife.... and sent me into a gastrointestinal one. 

The Dark Night

If you couldn't tell from my blog, I'm having a hard time deciding whether this writing thing is for me. I got another rejected query today, but it was a very nice personalized query. Thank you very much Agent X. It was a very nice thing to do. But at the same time, I have to wonder if I'm wasting my time.

But then I did something today. I broke out my novel Impact, and I'm re-reading it. It's been a couple months since I've actually read it for enjoyment, and I have to say, I'm entertained. I still love my characters. I'm still shocked that I wrote something that deep or could relate to my characters so well. (I know, I wrote it, I should be able to relate to it.)

So, maybe I don't like the writing process. I know I HATE the publishing process. (Don't get me wrong. Even though I hate it, I know it's a necessary evil. I can't imagine a better system out there to ensure only the quality books get published.) But, I love a good story, and I think that's what I can offer. Maybe that's enough to get me through this dark night.

The Promised Land

Now that I've been spending my free time trying to get published, I feeling sympathy for figures that I never thought I would. Andy and I are on a grand mission to read the bible cover to cover. We both scoffed at the Israelites who, time after time, turned against God on their exodus from Egypt. 

Seriously, Andy and I were like, "Come on, you got your signs from God. He saved you so many times. What more do you want? Why do you keep on doubting and turn away?"

And at times I feel that way about writing. I'm one of the un-savory Israelites. Instead of being happy, overjoyed with what I have, I keep on saying, "I'm not at the promised land yet. I thought you said you were going there. How much further? Aww man, we should have stayed in Egypt." 

I can't think of how many times I wished I didn't start writing because it made things too complex, and I was happy, or at least content without the self doubt. Or, people keep on telling me that I will get published, but it just seems like it's so far away. At times I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly trying to get published, but not knowing how to get there. 

At least the Israelites had a message from God saying, "Yes, you my chosen people, will get there." I have no such guarantee. So, as I stare at my kitchen that is in dire need of a good cleaning, and my baby, who is in dire need of a good cleaning, I'm wondering if I'm on the right track. Do I head back to Egypt or keep on wandering aimlessly around the desert? If you have an answer, let me know. Thanks. 

Wov, true wov.

I finished it. It is all written, and I love this book. People who read it also enjoy the book. (I can't say they love it because only 2/3 said they did.) The major difference between this book and my first is I'm not all hyped on sending it out to agents. Actually, I'm afraid to do so.

Sure, it needs editing and re-writes, but right now, this is one of my prides and joys. It's shiny, happy, and everything I think a book should be. But, at the same time, I don't want to fall out of love with it like what I did with Impact.

I know. I'm being silly. It's like going on a couple dates, thinking you found Mr. Right and then walking away. True love survives the trials of life and there's nothing more painful than querying. I know it's something that has to happen, but I'm enjoying this high while I can because it's so easy now to lose that lovin' feeling.

Congrats to me

Today I just found out that my book Impact, made it to the semi-finals of the 2009 amazon.com Breakout Novel Contest. I'm competing with thousands of entries and published authors. I now am in the top 100, and even though I am excited about all of it, nothing can compete with my joy I have for my new book.

Maybe it's because I've read Impact until all the 20,000 cows came home, but there's something intriguing about Confessions of a Non-Blogger that keeps me laughing. The excitement won't die down. I still have TONS of editing to do. I have a former lawyer looking over it and she's pointing out all the areas where other lawyers would roll their eyes and say "Yeah, like that would ever happen," but I think this new book has so much potential.

I hope that it is just the newness that has me going. I loved the story Impact. One day, if and when it ever gets published, I hope you do too.

Thanks for all the support everyone. I truly mean it.

The Road Traveled

I know, I'm misquoting Robert Frost, but today I'm going to be talking about a heavily traveled road. It is the path to publication. I've thought about it a lot. I discussed it with close friends. And the more I learn about it, the more I think I must be a masochist.

Seriously,I am working hard, pushing myself to grab hold of the brass ring. I want to have a literary agent and be published. I want to see my novels in the bookstores, and to most people, they think this is where the curtains fall and the hero/heroine steps into the sunset. They are dead wrong. The more I hear about life after publication, I wonder if this is really want I want to do as my "hobby". It's heartbreaking, emotionally draining, demoralizing. Heck, I would have more fun as a crack addict. At least there are more highs... but yet I still want to wander down this road. I want to push myself that hard. As bad as it sounds, at this moment, I'm willing to risk the heartache if it brings me one step closer to the limelight.

So, please raise a glass with me if you also one of the miserable and insane. Here's to our hopes, our fears, and our demoralizing, arduous journey.

Labor of Love

I am quite blessed in my life. I have a baby who is like the best baby around. (I know a lot of parents say that, but I have other people tell me that my baby is the best one around.) And while my baby takes 2 hour naps and watches all the Elmo DVDs she can, she lets her mommy finish her book. 

Today I finished my third book and I have to say, this is a better feeling than the first. I love the quirkiness. I love my characters, and I think it comes together well. But like all labor of loves, this is just the infancy. There's so much to come. 

And just like my little girl, I think that this must have been from God. I'm not to say that this book is so perfect it's going to make you cry, but it's amazing that I wrote this. It's amazing that I can make someone laugh out loud or cry with just words written on a page. That's what I find miraculous. And to me, if I can move my readers, that's the highest achievement I could ever obtain.